RAW MATERIAL #020: 20 Reasons Why Storm Crow Is the Best Card in Magic
A lifelong player’s reflection on a piece of history. (020/366)
RAW MATERIAL is Sinistra Black’s open-ended series of original creative works posted once daily throughout 2016. View the archive here.
A funny thing happened on my way to Twitter this evening. My RAW MATERIAL fams (very lit) know I’ve been posting ultra-short fiction on Twitter for a week because I’m working on a big, more taxing Medium piece.
It’s also because I’ve been working hard all week on a thing I do sometimes to increase the amount of pieces of paper I have by giving other people pieces of paper. It involves Magic: The Gathering cards, and while transitioning from working for paper to working 4 sadness tonight, it so happens that I came across a contest on Facebook for a very rare version of an extremely powerful Magic card — a true iconic classic of the game.
The rules? Simple: the comment with the most Likes gets the card. Free.
Sitting on the toilet with a wistful look in my eyes, wishing in my heart of hearts that I could own this incredibly valuable, otherwise nearly unattainable centerpiece for my personal collection — and being one who is occasionally guilty of taking Magic cards too seriously — I went a little…what the kids would call “HAM” (Hustle And Motivation) striving to compose a thought that would not only get a rise of laughter out of my fellow warrior-mages and wizard-fucks, but ring true to the human spirit — a Facebook comment that would stand the test of time as literature.
And so, as it seems to have taken off over on FB, I saw this as a healthy opportunity to stop compartmentalizing the different types of creative outlets I enjoy and put this piece of writing to work for RAW MATERIAL.
So without further ado, here are 107 reasons why Storm Crow is one of — no, the greatest card in the history of Magic: The Gathering. If you sincerely get a kick out of it, go vote for it on Facebook with a Like!
- Stoneforge Mystic with evasion
2. Harder to kill than Dark Confidant
3. Pays for Force of Will
4. Counters ~40% of staple cards with CounterTop, Disrupting Shoal, or new Kozilek
5. Cheaper than Show and Tell
6. Can block anything, unlike Welkin Tern
7. Very, very good when equipped with all ten Swords
8. Gains you a life when Plowshared, unlike Spellskite
9. Fetches you a land when Path’d, most likely Island (which can pay for Storm Crow)
10. Storm so powerful the Storm Scale is named after it
11. Automatic 10/10 on the Storm Scale
12. Automatic 10/10 on any scale
13. Only costs 2 life to Reanimate
14. Edible (non-foil only)
15. Reminds you of childhood but only the parts you like to remember
16. Will never leave you, unlike Dad
17. Unaffected by Torpor Orb and Stony Silence
18. Unaffected by Twin banning
19. Does not have banding or phasing
20. Does not have bands with other creatures with phasing
21. Castable with every Cascade card ever printed
22. Better than Chimney Imp at 2.5x less mana
23. Uncounterable with Savage Summoning
24. It’s okay, the Crow loves you
25. Movie from the 90s
26. Only card in 8th Edition
27. Mulling Presidential bid in 2020
28. America
29. It’s JOOOOOHN CENAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
30. What are those
31. Never gonna give you up
32. Never gonna let you down
33. Never gonna run around and Desert you
34. Never gonna make you cry
35. Never gonna say goodbye
36. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
37. I’m so sorry Timmy, your dad just needed some space to breathe
38. I’m sure he’s coming back
39. Not Bill Cosby or Jared from Subway
40. Can’t melt steel beams
41. Revenge
42. Tiny Leaders is dead but this was legal in it
43. Can be cast off only one bounceland with Amulet
44. No salvation
45. No forgiveness
46. Unlikely to appear in Eternal Masters
47. Strictly better than some Tarmogoyfs
48. Wastes the third damage of their Lightning Bolt
49. Can be sacrificed to Ashnod’s Altar
50. Price not manipulated by major vendors with secret information
51. Please come back
52. Never cries or needs a diaper change
53. How did I end up with this life
54. How can someone be a father if he never had — no, don’t go there Tim, you can do this
55. His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.
56. Legal in Modern
69. Bird tribal
Sinistra Black is an LA-based writer, filmmaker, and $500 Near Mint foil Oblivion Stone.
She can be found on Twitter as @NotEasyAnswers, sharing humor, criticism, and Garfield-related poetry.
She is available for hire or collection buying, but she doesn’t do this because it’s fun.
If you enjoyed this, sell me your fucking cardboard. Also share and leave a comment.
For fiction, check out Job Perks. For more nonfiction that’s kind of fiction, try 6 Movies I Was Wrong About in 2015. For more musings on Magical money, check out the Bargaining Table archive. For more from this series, see the RAW MATERIAL archive.
420. smoke w e e d
